Friday, March 27, 2009

the great lengths to which we go to hide our humanity

with Barry Dingle

Everybody poops. We know it. George W. Bush knows it. Common knowledge.

So why we gotta pretend like lumpy brown bombs don't fall out of those weird gopher holes in between our butt flab? It is absolutely amazing how far people, including myself, will go to convince strangers they do not contribute to the sewers.

I catch myself sometimes, doing stupid little things that help prove me innocent. For instance, when I'm washing my hands, I will face my back toward the opposite side of where the stalls are, making it look like I just came from a urinal instead. Just in case some random guy comes in and decides to judge me. I discovered an even better new way to remain a non-shitter in the eyes of society: use the sink that is furthest away from the stalls and closest to the urinals. Because who would walk all the extra way if they didn't just come from the urinal? Yeah, who...

Perhaps we should institute a day where everyone is required to poop in their pants so that we can refresh everyone's minds that we all shoot our rocket turds on a regular basis.


1 comment:

  1. you forgot the well-timed cough when a turd falls...

    I don't know who you are, but I love you.