Friday, January 16, 2009

what grade am i in?

THE BATHROOM BLOG
with Barry Dingle


I love bananas and I love chocolate pudding. I love dipping my bananas in my chocolate pudding like the overgrown fat kid that I am. That's an erroneous fact. You know what I hate? Stupid ass signs in the restroom that try to dictate social conduct. Oh, fatboy's got pounds and brains.

Honestly, what grade am I in? Should I put an earthquake kit under my desk and start wearing deodorant? Actually, an earthquake kit probably isn't a bad idea. But come on, is it truly necessary to have a "NO SMOKING" sign in the bathroom?

Every day, every goddamn day, I see that unholy crossed out cigarette. I don't even smoke. I think it's gross but sweet baby Jesus, there are so many things wrong with the placement of this miniature monstrosity.

First of all, are we really concerned about people smoking in the men's room? Is that the cool place to go smoke if the stairwell is occupied? There is an entire park outside where every single nicotine fiend goes to get a fix. The whole point of them going for a smoke is to take a break and visit the outside world. Why the hell would anyone want to go from their baby cubicle to an effing corporate bathroom to enjoy a smoke? Asinine.

Aren't we all old enough to where we understand that smoking in the bathroom is not particularly acceptable? In fact, last time I checked, it's common sense. I'm considering taking up smoking just so I can light up in the restroom and laugh maniacally as I wipe my ass. "I got you good, you swine!" Hey, it doesn't say I can't burn piles of hair in the hallway. Hurry, get the Persian guy and a razor.

I don't want to live in a culture where we go out of our way to tell someone that a habit they have is undesirable. Hell, why don't we put a "No Fat Dudes Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool" sign in there? Every time a smoker walks into the commode, he's constantly reminded of his dirty vice. He gets so worked up he can't pee next to the guy at the urinal. So he goes into the stall and tries to take a leak but ends up shitting his pants because his nerves are all over the place. He doesn't deserve that.

What about the kids? When they walk in and see that, they ask what it means. And we have to explain what exactly is not allowed. So, in theory, this moronic sign is introducing our children to cigarettes at an earlier age. Ho-hum.

It's bullshit. I am a man. An almost fully developed man and yet, you treat me like the fat pudding-stained mouth bastard that I once was. We need to have some faith in the human race, though they can be wacky, and stop trying to dictate every mundane detail of human life. I get that we're Americans and we're superior and all that nonsense but come on, Mr. Gorbachev. Tear down that sign.

1.16.09

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